The reasons why I hate to open up to people

Idk if it just my nature or whatever
That every time I open up to someone, at the end of the day they will say something that let me down.
Some words are sensitive to me and I hate it when I tried to change and then this people is like well idk its like.. their reaction that shows their perspective on me which is sometimes pretty negative. well not really negative but ya know.. my all-time weakness.
I dont like that.
Everyone have weaknesses and so do I
So thats why I tried my hardest to make each of them to be better.
I know it just my nature.
But at least I got improve.
And u Shouldnt brought it up!
its a mistake.
It shut down my interest to talk to someone who did this to me. NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE.
It really is.

My kind of addiction

I dont know how to stop feeling bad.
I think Im just addicted.
Me myself is so complicated and complex.
That no one would understand I think.

Im really sorry for those who misunderstood me.
I knew how terrible I am. I just cant stop.
Sorry human.

I wish I could have heart and be such normal human being.
Just like everybody else.

Depression

I used to have a freaking severe depression years back then.

Which is really hurtful that i feel like i was in a real darkest state of my life.

I was even almost suicide and doesnt know how to move on.

I hate it.

I hate everything that happen to me.

Every single things seems to be real pain in the ass. 

Without me realized the blessing behind it and the reasons why Allah put me into that situation.

All i knew is I dont like it. That wasnt what i wanna go through at the first place.

But we own nothing about this life. Sometimes we cant control on whats happening.

Cause theres something in there that we need to learn.

Somethings we cant choose. 

But I deny to follow the flow. I want it to be my way which is super wrong.

In life, theres something that we can choose and change but something we couldn't.

Been through it for such long time and I started to accept it.

I should be grateful for so many good things that happen in my life.

I feel a bit better until another test came to me.

I feel like i dont even really cover from the previous test,then another test came.

Again, I feel depressed. Harder.

That I feel heavy on my chest. Being ripped of a blade over and over again.

Im still breathing anyway. Allah still love me and dont let me die in frustation with life.

I was glad. I get back up again.

Bad things keep on happen again and again.

I fell hard, then I get back up without any single person except Allah knows how I feel.

Some people knows I  was having depression but they can do nothing about except for

telling me to be strong and stuff.

Some people dont even realized. I faked a smile a lot.

Sometimes I cant even crack a smile anymore.

All of sudden I get used to the depression till i feel completely numb.

I barely feel anything. Cant even shed a tear anymore.

I knew why. Im completely shuttered.

Im like waiting for the times up.

I dont know what Im doing anymore.

Cant even tell what happiness is. Cant even tell if its really exist.

I let it be. I tried to keep up with life.

Until all of sudden the time of SPM arrived.

I could tell Im not even ready. not even 50%.

But I knew Im gonna pass it all.

Just pass.

And yeah I really pass em all.

Sometimes I questioned a lot why does all these happened to me?

Is it because of my sins? or lift up my title as a muslim? 

Then I said I dont get life.

Dont even know how to live it right.

Cant find the sweetness in it.

Everything seems to be pain to me.

Its all about to hurt me till I hardly breath.

How bad do I describe life till I feel like...

Death is the only way to stop all this.

When i see people laughing so hard I wonder how can they be so happy?

How do they handle their life?

How do they take it?

I cant even tell cause it was so bad that I cant thing of any possibly happy things to happen.

Happiness was such a rare things to me.

I hardly smile for real. 

I forgot how it feels to laugh for real.

To feel excited to live.

I used to feel them. And then I forgot how.

As I grew up, things change. People change.

Well thats life.

I learned a lot through my hard times.

Im grateful that it was over. 

I just dont know how to heal this pain.

I knew for the fact that I cant get over it like 100% for ever.

It leave me scars. A real deep scars that makes me traumatise to move on.

No matter what happen me still need to get move on.

"Pain demands to be felt"

Yeah it should.

I need to feel it,yes.

Its either u feel pain or u feel happiness.

My dream now is I wanna be free and feel whole again like I was when I was a kid.

Does it possible?

Life

Some people are just that lucky to have whatever they wanted.

I guess im just not at this moment.

In any kind of ways. 

Know that everything happen for a reason.

Even the shitiest thing u hated most.

I haven't write for such a long time.

I used to write a lot to describe my feeling.

Lately I don't.

I dont know why. Maybe i was busy sleeping.

So here's the purposes me writing this post.

its March already.

20th March 2014. a month before my industrial training will be ended.

So yea the industrial training that i was imagining before is far from what really happen rn.

Its kinda devastating but at least.

At least I have a place for intern.